I thrive on controlling situations. I’m a planner, scheduler, and checklist keeper. I LOVE to cross things off that list. I enjoy planning/scheduling meals, tv shows, nap times, adventures outside, chores for the day, the list goes on and on. I feel that with proper planning anything can be accomplished. That was, until this pregnancy.
Learning about my very high-risk twins changed my perspective in a lot of ways. I was sick with anxiety for about a week after finding out all of the statistics, risks, and horrible outcomes that could occur. Thinking about these two innocent angels dancing around in my belly with no protection from each other was terrifying. Knowing that at any minute their heart could stop beating was enough to break my own heart.
The part of this pregnancy that really affected me was that there was literally nothing I could do about the situation. I just had to wait, pray, and have faith that everything would be okay. For my type of personality, this was no easy feat. Why was there nothing I could do to help better these little babies' outcomes?
This is when I leaned in a little closer to the meditative side of my yoga practice and started to learn how to surrender. “Letting go of what no longer serves you” is something I always heard in class, but until a few months ago I never really understood the expression the way that I should have. When I would be on my mat in class and hear my teacher say this common phrase, I would apply it to simple things like: letting go of my ego for not being able to stay in a certain pose as long as another girl in class, or, letting go of the stress of a project I was working on at my job, or, letting go of the heart-pounding anxiety of ALWAYS being late to yoga class and not getting a good spot to lay my mat down.
In the grand scheme of life, these aforementioned examples are simple "problems" that would likely be forgotten the same night. I would use these little things as examples of my current troubles, when in reality, they weren't really troubles at all.
Letting go of what no longer serves you can be used for much deeper problems in life, and you don't need to be on your mat to apply the principle.
After some time and a whole lot of practice, I was able to accept this pregnancy for its uniqueness. I understood that everything involving the situation with these babies was out of my control. I let go of my worries, anxiety, and feelings of helplessness that just weren’t serving a (good) purpose for me. I acknowledged that I could lose these babies at anytime, but realized that was no reason to not celebrate them in the present. I finally let go of the fear, and I was able to start really enjoying this journey. I began to celebrate big milestones and talk about future plans. I enjoyed feeling their little flutters turn into strong kicks. I got excited for the next ultrasound so I could see their progress.
Sure, there are absolutely still times I worry, or cry, or mourn what a “normal” pregnancy would be like. However, that isn’t my path this time. The universe has very special plans for our little family and who am I to question them? I’m so thankful for these two little blessings, and I will continue to apply the art of surrender to the rest of this pregnancy during my inpatient stay, carrying the practice with us through the unknowns of the NICU, and beyond to the sure-to-be crazy newborn stage!