It's Okay to Not Be Okay

Today I'm not having a good day. I will be honest, sometimes the hospital life really sucks. Nothing terrible has happened to me today; the girls are looking great on the monitors. It's just a bunch of small, annoying things piled on that make me wish I was anywhere but here.


It all started when I woke up at 5:30am once again to the sound of construction equipment beeping incessantly. For reference, I've been here for 24 days now (but who's counting) and they've worked everyday besides Memorial Day weekend and the jobsite is directly outside of my window. Luckily, I can't see them, but I sure as hell can hear them! I've worked on a lot of construction sites in my career and I have NEVER met a crew that starts at 5:30am.


Although the girls looked great on the monitors this morning, they were also extremely active and kept hopping off the monitors. Morning monitoring begins at 6:00am, so I typically try to sleep through that one. But, since the girls were dancing around so much the nurse had to come in to readjust my monitors every 5 minutes. Between that and the constant beeping from the skid steer outside it was impossible to go back to sleep. It's crazy to think that I'd get twice as much sleep if I was home with my 1 year old. I would've liked to have just started working earlier, but since the girls wouldn't stay on the monitors, I was strapped down to the bed even longer. The doctors like to have consistent enough readings before they take me off. Once I was off, I took a shower. The water was lukewarm at best, no matter how high I cranked the hot setting.


Then I ordered an omelet from the cafeteria. Typically it takes about an hour to get breakfast, but today it took almost 2. Absolutely starving by the time it arrived, I cut my first bite and uncooked egg ran out of the center of the omelet like a waterfall. I ate my bacon, homefries, and toast knowing full well I'd be starving in another hour - my blood sugar gets real funky if I don't have enough protein (accompanied by carbs) in the morning. The coffee was cold and tasted like mud. I could've called and complained about the whole breakfast, but I knew it would take forever for them to get a new meal up to me..


As usual, I got a lot of great pictures of Silas sent to me from Brian and my mom. It makes me so happy to see him running around and playing, and typically it cheers me right up. But for some reason today it made me really sad. I wish I could be sitting on the floor playing with him or chasing him around the house. Tears are running down my cheeks as I type this- it's so hard to be away from home.


I miss my husband.

I miss my son.

I miss my dog.

I miss my bed.

I miss waking up to the sound of peepers and birds chirping in the morning.

I miss my old routine - what I wouldn't give to be overwhelmed by laundry right now.


Now I'm not going on and on about my shitty day to be discouraging. I have been doing quite well adjusting to my hospital stay. Every day I get to cross off of my calendar is one day closer to us meeting our girls, and every day they stay in my belly is more promising for a (hopefully) uncomplicated NICU stay. But I do want future inpatient mom's to know that it's okay to not be okay every day. This is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. It's going to test your strength - mentally, physically, and emotionally. It certainly ain't all flowers....


.....but the reward at the end is worth it.

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