It has officially been 5 weeks since I was admitted for my inpatient stay. I am currently 31 weeks + 2 days along. Some days have been long but the weeks have gone by very quickly.
The Countdown
It is exactly 2 weeks until my scheduled caesarean. It feels incredible to have an end date in sight. The anxiety of this pregnancy has been quite overwhelming, and I look forward to finally being able to stop holding my breath. The relief I will feel when I see these girls for the first time is unexplainable. I know that the NICU stage will bring its own set of anxieties, but knowing that they're in the best care and are safe will bring me so much comfort.
When I get discharged from the hospital it will be almost 8 weeks since I first left home. Although I wish that the girls didn't have to stay in the NICU at all, it will give me the opportunity to spend some much needed one-on-one time with Silas. Honestly, I think if I immediately arrived home with 2 babies in tow it would be quite a lot for a 1 year old to process. I long to be reunited with Silas, catching up on all the fun things he's learned on the farm since I left. It will be difficult to balance our time between NICU and home (especially when the NICU is 2 hours away), but I have no doubts we will figure it out. Luckily, we are able to elect 4 support people for the NICU, so Brian and I will be able to split up our trips with family so that Silas can still be with one of us the majority of the time.
Tests and Treatments
Today I got repeat routine bloodwork done and also was tested for Group B Strep. Next week I will get my second round of steroid shots - the doctor said they are most effective a week before anticipated delivery. The steroid shots help the babies' lungs develop, as well as prevent blood clots. I received the first round upon my arrival inpatient.
This Friday I will get my last growth scan done; I am really looking forward to finding out how these girls are growing!
The Anxiety is Real
This journey has felt so long and so hard. It has been mentally exhausting going through all of the "what-if's" over the last 6 months. I felt a lot of relief when I first checked in for my inpatient stay, but as the time goes on I get more and more worried about something bad happening. What an absolute tragedy it would be for something to happen this close to the end. I try to push these worries out of my head, but being stuck in this hospital room has given these anxieties a bigger advantage of taking over my thoughts.
I wake up in the middle of the night and immediately feel the need to start poking and prodding at my belly. So many scary thoughts run through my head while I lay there in silence trying to get the girls to move. Those 30-60 seconds before they start squirming feels like an eternity.
When I feel overwhelmed with these thoughts and worries, I try to remind myself: "what will be, will be," just like I did in the beginning of my pregnancy. I say a little prayer, take a few very deep breaths, and do my best to let it go. I wake up in the morning and hop on the monitors, feeling comfort hearing their strong heartbeats. I go through the rest of my daily routine - work, monitor, read, nap, journal, sudoku, TV, and monitor. Then it's time to go to bed again where I will have my anxious wake-ups and moments of prayer.
I don't foresee this apprehension going away until after these girls are delivered, but I take comfort in knowing that there's an end in sight.
I'm not rambling about these thoughts and fears of mine to complain or gain sympathy. I'm spilling my guts out so the future mono/mono moms who are inpatient and scared know they aren't alone.
To the Future Momo Mama
Mama, I want you to know that I see you. I am you. It is hard, probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Your feelings are absolutely valid - every high and low moment. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel scared. It's okay to fear the unknown. It's okay to ask for that extra monitoring session for peace of mind. It's okay to ask for a break in your monitoring because you just need a minute to breathe. The days are long, but I promise it won't be forever.
Most importantly, you're doing the best you can for these babies and you are absolutely amazing.